This has been a really hard week. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually.... hard. This week we learned of a tramatic occurance in our family that just trully shook me in every which way. There's no easy way to cope with something that is so disgusting and mind-boggling. I spend the entire week in total disbelief, shock, and anger. Anger that someone in MY family would have the audacity to do something so insane and disgusting. That they allowed lies to cloud their mind into fooling them that what they did was fine and ok. I still cannot wrap my mind around the issue.
This morning in church, I was faced head-on with an even harder task at hand. I had spent all week being ferousiously angry about the situation. Now, sitting in Sunday morning service about to take communion I suddenly realized that I could not wholeheartedly accept communion without first forgiving this person that committed such a wrong act. Even as harshly as I felt toward them and as much pain as I felt for the other parties involved.... somehow, I have to forgive. I had leaned over to my husband and said, 'I don't know if I can do this.... I can't take this communion and be so angry. I know I have to forgive before I accept this gift God's given me - I just don't know how to do it.' My husband lovingly took my hand and whispered in my ear, "you're going to have to ask God to forgive that person and ask him to show YOU how to forgive them as well." HOW??????? I don't know. I just don't know.
Well..... I prayed and asked God to forgive them and yes, show ME how to forgive them. I felt a peace about my act of forgiveness. Then, the singing and worship began. Immediately when I began singing the words to the song we were singing..... I broke. I wept. I wept for the situation. I wept about what had happened. I wept for the healing that needed to happen for the parties involved. I wept for the redemption that needed to happen. I wept for our family. And I wept for the victory that God was going to restore upon the family and the person that persevered for so long in silence. I love my family. I love them so much it hurts. It broke and still breaks my heart about how deception is so evil and destructive. Yet, my God is bigger - SO much BIGGER than anything that can come against! I have to keep reminding myself that. And I have to pray that my family is reminded of that in such a powerful way more than ever right now.
To my family.... I LOVE YOU. SO MUCH. I LOVE YOU. I am constantly praying for you and with you in steadfast prayer. Please know that you are NEVER along. Your family is with you and loves you in all things. As Chris Tomlin writes in song: 'Our God is strength, awesome in power. Our God is healer, if our God is with us - then who can stand against...?' I know you know this.... these are just the words that I am constantly reminded of since my time with the Lord today.